I've never really perceived myself as someone who was especially competitive.

I mean, when it came to grades, my very first priority would be: "how did I do?" As long as I got an acceptable grade, it would be okay. I wasn't looking for the best score, just something that I could be relieved about.

That used to be the case, at least.

Nowadays, I find myself wanting more. It sounds as if my expectations or standards for myself have gone up, but maybe I'm just starting to acknowledge my inner competitiveness. In retrospect, there were times when I got really mad about losing at something and had to smother that frustration with distractions. I'd try to be rational and cool down because I wasn't proud of such a feeling...wouldn't it be better to be someone who was relatively chill about stuff like winning or losing? I remember how my friends would complain about classmates who got competitive about their grades and I'd be like, whatever, the only person you should be competing against is yourself, isn't it?

I really want to believe that, and most of the time, I still do. But why is it getting harder to stop comparing myself to others?

I don't want my own success to be defined by how other people have fared. I don't want my happiness to be reliant on someone else's disappointment. I don't want my accomplishments to be built upon their failures.

Yet this pretty much seems like what everything is about. Well, when I say everything, it's just mainly the bell curve and IHG. If you want to do well, someone else has to do worse. How can that not build, or reveal, a sense of competitiveness within you?

Lately it feels like I keep demanding more from myself, which is probably a good thing, but it also stresses me out because I'm too accustomed to taking a laidback attitude towards work and, well, life in general. There was even one period when my philosophy was to sit back, slack off and hope for the best HAHAHA. But now, I just feel so bad about myself whenever I laze around without doing anything productive. (Which, by the way, I'm really good at. Sometimes an entire day could fly past and I'd be like, whoa, I was just sitting around at home doing nothing.)

The irrational part of me wants to be lazy. I don't want to put in hard work, because I'm afraid of not getting anything in return. I'd rather not put in effort and then blame it on my lack of effort if I ended up failing. But the rational part of me keeps reminding me that such an attitude is never going to get me anywhere good...failing to try is a failure in itself, and it's not much better than giving your best and failing anyway.

I've never really perceived myself as someone who was especially competitive.

I mean, when it came to grades, my very first priority would be: "how did I do?" As long as I got an acceptable grade, it would be okay. I wasn't looking for the best score, just something that I could be relieved about.

That used to be the case, at least.

Nowadays, I find myself wanting more. It sounds as if my expectations or standards for myself have gone up, but maybe I'm just starting to acknowledge my inner competitiveness. In retrospect, there were times when I got really mad about losing at something and had to smother that frustration with distractions. I'd try to be rational and cool down because I wasn't proud of such a feeling...wouldn't it be better to be someone who was relatively chill about stuff like winning or losing? I remember how my friends would complain about classmates who got competitive about their grades and I'd be like, whatever, the only person you should be competing against is yourself, isn't it?

I really want to believe that, and most of the time, I still do. But why is it getting harder to stop comparing myself to others?

I don't want my own success to be defined by how other people have fared. I don't want my happiness to be reliant on someone else's disappointment. I don't want my accomplishments to be built upon their failures.

Yet this pretty much seems like what everything is about. Well, when I say everything, it's just mainly the bell curve and IHG. If you want to do well, someone else has to do worse. How can that not build, or reveal, a sense of competitiveness within you?

Lately it feels like I keep demanding more from myself, which is probably a good thing, but it also stresses me out because I'm too accustomed to taking a laidback attitude towards work and, well, life in general. There was even one period when my philosophy was to sit back, slack off and hope for the best HAHAHA. But now, I just feel so bad about myself whenever I laze around without doing anything productive. (Which, by the way, I'm really good at. Sometimes an entire day could fly past and I'd be like, whoa, I was just sitting around at home doing nothing.)

The irrational part of me wants to be lazy. I don't want to put in hard work, because I'm afraid of not getting anything in return. I'd rather not put in effort and then blame it on my lack of effort if I ended up failing. But the rational part of me keeps reminding me that such an attitude is never going to get me anywhere good...failing to try is a failure in itself, and it's not much better than giving your best and failing anyway.

My name is Felicia and my dearest ambition is to bounce on clouds while eating Twix.

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