I'd always thought of community service as something meaningful, something I could maybe turn into a permanent fixture in my life.

The idea of being able to "touch the lives of the less fortunate" was so very appealing. In JC, Interact Club sounded like the ideal CCA; you get to help others (and yeah, maybe feel good about yourself for it), meet presumably like-minded people, and at the end of the day get some CIP hours for your contributions. It was like hitting several birds with one stone, you know?

Except there were times when I would be teaching my tutee halfway and suddenly think to myself, "Am I really doing anything substantial? Would it even matter if I weren't here? Am I even needed?"

It was easier then to push those thoughts away, to convince myself that peer tutoring wasn't just about providing free tuition to help them improve academically, but also to be there for them as a friend and supportive figure. I guess it must sound naive and pretentious to you, but honestly that was what I wanted to do, even if my intentions didn't really translate well into action haha.

I guess I'm still attracted to the idea of doing good. Except my short experience so far with EVC has actually been highlighting those nagging little doubts. Like, how much can you actually give to your beneficiaries within 2 hours a week? Take the youths at Salvation Army for example. Their caregivers are the ones who spend time with them everyday, maybe even 24/7...those are the mentors whom they can rely on for consistent supervision, care and guidance. And honestly I don't even think I can teach my mentee well, or if she can even retain half of what I try to teach her. I don't want to waste her time on the pretext of being there to "help".

Call me cynical, but community service, or at least the ones I have/am engaged in, just doesn't feel so right anymore. What does it say about me as a person if I don't feel like visiting those intellectually disabled people at Minds anymore? I'd grown so accustomed to liking CIP that the thought of disliking it is just unsettling. Or maybe I don't dislike it completely, but just haven't found the right cause?

I guess part of the reason for my angst stems from how volunteering doesn't always reap tangible results. It's hard to measure your contribution in tangible terms and even harder to see the effects in the short-run. And sometimes maybe you end up being more of a hindrance instead...like how I always get in the way of the permanent staff at Minds hahaha. You just can't tell if it has been a "productive" session, because there are no grades, no rankings, no trophies to show at the end of the day.

The only thing I can takeaway from this whole rambling is that social work probably isn't my calling haha. Maybe it'd be easier to just carry on, stop thinking too much into it, and trust that I'd reach a conclusion one day.

I'd always thought of community service as something meaningful, something I could maybe turn into a permanent fixture in my life.

The idea of being able to "touch the lives of the less fortunate" was so very appealing. In JC, Interact Club sounded like the ideal CCA; you get to help others (and yeah, maybe feel good about yourself for it), meet presumably like-minded people, and at the end of the day get some CIP hours for your contributions. It was like hitting several birds with one stone, you know?

Except there were times when I would be teaching my tutee halfway and suddenly think to myself, "Am I really doing anything substantial? Would it even matter if I weren't here? Am I even needed?"

It was easier then to push those thoughts away, to convince myself that peer tutoring wasn't just about providing free tuition to help them improve academically, but also to be there for them as a friend and supportive figure. I guess it must sound naive and pretentious to you, but honestly that was what I wanted to do, even if my intentions didn't really translate well into action haha.

I guess I'm still attracted to the idea of doing good. Except my short experience so far with EVC has actually been highlighting those nagging little doubts. Like, how much can you actually give to your beneficiaries within 2 hours a week? Take the youths at Salvation Army for example. Their caregivers are the ones who spend time with them everyday, maybe even 24/7...those are the mentors whom they can rely on for consistent supervision, care and guidance. And honestly I don't even think I can teach my mentee well, or if she can even retain half of what I try to teach her. I don't want to waste her time on the pretext of being there to "help".

Call me cynical, but community service, or at least the ones I have/am engaged in, just doesn't feel so right anymore. What does it say about me as a person if I don't feel like visiting those intellectually disabled people at Minds anymore? I'd grown so accustomed to liking CIP that the thought of disliking it is just unsettling. Or maybe I don't dislike it completely, but just haven't found the right cause?

I guess part of the reason for my angst stems from how volunteering doesn't always reap tangible results. It's hard to measure your contribution in tangible terms and even harder to see the effects in the short-run. And sometimes maybe you end up being more of a hindrance instead...like how I always get in the way of the permanent staff at Minds hahaha. You just can't tell if it has been a "productive" session, because there are no grades, no rankings, no trophies to show at the end of the day.

The only thing I can takeaway from this whole rambling is that social work probably isn't my calling haha. Maybe it'd be easier to just carry on, stop thinking too much into it, and trust that I'd reach a conclusion one day.

My name is Felicia and my dearest ambition is to bounce on clouds while eating Twix.

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