panic
Sunday, July 22, 20127:49 PM
Ever since I got back my catastrophic BT results, any mention of the word "promos" is enough to send pangs of anxiety through my heart. These days, it's hard for me to think about anything other than academics, mainly because at this rate there's a very high possibility that I might follow in my brother's footsteps.
What sucks is that I can whine and complain all the time, but nobody can completely comprehend the consternation I feel as they've all done relatively well. Some of my friends complain about how they screwed up certain subjects, but at the very least, getting retained is not a primary concern for them. I've witnessed the consequences of getting held back first-hand, which makes it even more scary to me because it is no longer a distanced thought, but rather a nightmare that might really come true.
People tell me it's not the end of the world, BT is just 10%, there's time for me to buck up etc. I know, okay? I know with hard work and effort, maybe I can scrape through the dreaded promos and avoid my greatest fear at this point. But I just don't know if what I've begun to do is good enough, and whether I'm doing it the right way. Suddenly, when you begin to see clearly what you've been putting off for so long and what you have to do to make up for it, 24 hours seem so freaking little.
Sometimes I get so afraid that I just want to curl up into a ball and hide under my blanket so I won't have to do anything. Other times I catch myself thinking, "Oh dammit let's just heck all of this". It's like everyday we have to try so hard, but for something so intangible and uncertain that you can't help but wonder if your efforts are ever going to pay off.
I'm so sick and tired of Singapore's education system and everything that accompanies it. I hate having to drag myself to school early in the morning. I hope November comes quickly, so we get a temporary reprieve from all this crap and I wouldn't have such hideous mood swings all the time.