Finally making the leap to Wordpress, just because.

See you!

2014 has finally drawn to a close and I feel like it deserves a proper send-off. But whenever I try to think about what has happened over the past 12 months, my mind always ends up digressing somewhere else hahaha. It's the same every year, actually...I guess I'm always afraid that if I honestly examine the entire year in detail, I would see that it was just another year wasted.


I used to dislike florals, lace, the colour pink, and most things remotely girly.
I used to think I would always be close to my primary school best friend, at least well into adulthood, but now I know virtually nothing about her life other than what is on her Facebook page. I used to think it would be nice to live overseas alone, but now I think I might be lonely. I used to prefer covered shoes but now I'm beginning to like sandals too.


I've never really perceived myself as someone who was especially competitive.

I mean, when it came to grades, my very first priority would be: "how did I do?" As long as I got an acceptable grade, it would be okay. I wasn't looking for the best score, just something that I could be relieved about.

That used to be the case, at least.

Nowadays, I find myself wanting more. It sounds as if my expectations or standards for myself have gone up, but maybe I'm just starting to acknowledge my inner competitiveness. In retrospect, there were times when I got really mad about losing at something and had to smother that frustration with distractions. I'd try to be rational and cool down because I wasn't proud of such a feeling...wouldn't it be better to be someone who was relatively chill about stuff like winning or losing? I remember how my friends would complain about classmates who got competitive about their grades and I'd be like, whatever, the only person you should be competing against is yourself, isn't it?

I really want to believe that, and most of the time, I still do. But why is it getting harder to stop comparing myself to others?

I don't want my own success to be defined by how other people have fared. I don't want my happiness to be reliant on someone else's disappointment. I don't want my accomplishments to be built upon their failures.

Yet this pretty much seems like what everything is about. Well, when I say everything, it's just mainly the bell curve and IHG. If you want to do well, someone else has to do worse. How can that not build, or reveal, a sense of competitiveness within you?

Lately it feels like I keep demanding more from myself, which is probably a good thing, but it also stresses me out because I'm too accustomed to taking a laidback attitude towards work and, well, life in general. There was even one period when my philosophy was to sit back, slack off and hope for the best HAHAHA. But now, I just feel so bad about myself whenever I laze around without doing anything productive. (Which, by the way, I'm really good at. Sometimes an entire day could fly past and I'd be like, whoa, I was just sitting around at home doing nothing.)

The irrational part of me wants to be lazy. I don't want to put in hard work, because I'm afraid of not getting anything in return. I'd rather not put in effort and then blame it on my lack of effort if I ended up failing. But the rational part of me keeps reminding me that such an attitude is never going to get me anywhere good...failing to try is a failure in itself, and it's not much better than giving your best and failing anyway.



I'd always thought of community service as something meaningful, something I could maybe turn into a permanent fixture in my life.

The idea of being able to "touch the lives of the less fortunate" was so very appealing. In JC, Interact Club sounded like the ideal CCA; you get to help others (and yeah, maybe feel good about yourself for it), meet presumably like-minded people, and at the end of the day get some CIP hours for your contributions. It was like hitting several birds with one stone, you know?

Except there were times when I would be teaching my tutee halfway and suddenly think to myself, "Am I really doing anything substantial? Would it even matter if I weren't here? Am I even needed?"

It was easier then to push those thoughts away, to convince myself that peer tutoring wasn't just about providing free tuition to help them improve academically, but also to be there for them as a friend and supportive figure. I guess it must sound naive and pretentious to you, but honestly that was what I wanted to do, even if my intentions didn't really translate well into action haha.

I guess I'm still attracted to the idea of doing good. Except my short experience so far with EVC has actually been highlighting those nagging little doubts. Like, how much can you actually give to your beneficiaries within 2 hours a week? Take the youths at Salvation Army for example. Their caregivers are the ones who spend time with them everyday, maybe even 24/7...those are the mentors whom they can rely on for consistent supervision, care and guidance. And honestly I don't even think I can teach my mentee well, or if she can even retain half of what I try to teach her. I don't want to waste her time on the pretext of being there to "help".

Call me cynical, but community service, or at least the ones I have/am engaged in, just doesn't feel so right anymore. What does it say about me as a person if I don't feel like visiting those intellectually disabled people at Minds anymore? I'd grown so accustomed to liking CIP that the thought of disliking it is just unsettling. Or maybe I don't dislike it completely, but just haven't found the right cause?

I guess part of the reason for my angst stems from how volunteering doesn't always reap tangible results. It's hard to measure your contribution in tangible terms and even harder to see the effects in the short-run. And sometimes maybe you end up being more of a hindrance instead...like how I always get in the way of the permanent staff at Minds hahaha. You just can't tell if it has been a "productive" session, because there are no grades, no rankings, no trophies to show at the end of the day.

The only thing I can takeaway from this whole rambling is that social work probably isn't my calling haha. Maybe it'd be easier to just carry on, stop thinking too much into it, and trust that I'd reach a conclusion one day.

It's nearly the end of September and we're now 2 days into recess week!

Honestly, I didn't realise how much I'd appreciate this little "break". We're supposed to be using this time to catch up with readings and all so it's technically not a leisurely holiday, but at this point I'd welcome any opportunity for rest.

I always thought uni life would be super chill and relaxed. But after half of Semester 1, I feel like everything is happening so rapidly. New information to internalise, new people to meet and interact with, new environment to adapt to, new lifestyle to lead...things happen so quickly and simultaneously that it's hard to process the present, let alone remember and reflect. This is probably exacerbated by my stay in hall, even though I'm not very active as compared to most other freshies! To borrow Shimeng's words of wisdom, it's like being "an introvert in an extrovert's world". Eusoff has given me alot to learn and get accustomed to...But that's a story for another day (and one you've probably heard quite enough about LOL).

"Rest" holds different meanings for different people. Or rather, it holds a variety of definitions for each person. Things like taking a nap, sleeping for 8 hours or just lepaking in front of the television are all ways through which we rest and recover from the hustle and bustle of everyday life. I know this might be an over-generalisation, but I think that this "down-time" is especially important for introverts. After a day outside being surrounded by people (even good friends whose company you appreciate & enjoy), there comes a point when you feel like you need to retreat into your own space. It doesn't always have to be extreme, like holing yourself up in your room and hibernating for a day, though that does sound pretty good to me haha. Rest could also mean sitting on a reasonably long bus ride with earphones on and feel-good music playing, where you can watch the world fly past through the window and pretend reality doesn't exist for awhile. Or spending an afternoon reading escapist fiction and imagining you were someone else, somewhere else.

To me, we run on our own "social batteries" with very different energy capacities. We run out of power and need to recharge at different timings; some of us can plug in and go in a flash, while others need a longer time to finish charging. That's why "rest" is important, because it is easy to feel burnt out if you exceed your limits by too much or too often.

As someone who has a very low battery life, I feel like the past 2 months have been pretty draining not only physicially, but also emotionally. It has been difficult trying to strike a balance between my own need for personal time/space and the desire/expectations from others to fulfill social responsibilities. I'm still struggling with prioritising and learning how to sift out what is truly important from all the other distractions. Honestly, I haven't always said the right things or behaved the right way, and I think I haven't been making very good choices lately (what's new LOL), but I know I'm trying and that should count for something right?

I guess my point is that I'm grateful for little breaks like recess week. Although there has been surprisingly little free time so far and plenty of work to be done, I'll take whatever I can get haha.





I recently realised just how uncomfortable I was with change.

It sounds stupid, doesn't it? Change is everywhere, all the time. There is change in the weather, in the food we eat, in the people we talk to. We face it throughout our lives, sometimes consciously and sometimes not. I feel like I should have become mostly accustomed to it by now, of things being in flux and never remaining the same.

Yet the thought of having to adjust and adapt just makes me twitchy. I guess it's not so much the arrival of new things which scares me, but rather the prospect of losing what is familiar and near. The thought of not being able to go back to my equilibrium-the place of safety I'd grown comfortable in-terrifies and excites me in equal measure, which is an odd sensation to bear. I guess there's a conflict because I told myself at the start that I wanted to get out of my comfort zone this year and make full use of opportunities thrown my way, but now I think that's easier said than done. -_- I do want to venture into foreign places and situations and conversations and learn more about what is around me. That hasn't changed; I want to be open to new possibilities. But it's hard trying to figure out just how big a step I'm willing to take and whether it's a step in the right direction or not.

While we're here, I should also mention how choices scare me too. I do remember writing about it before lol that goes to show how little I have changed.

It's just that I hate the feeling of making decisions, because of opportunity cost. (Hah! Econs) If I take option A, that would mean option B is closed off. No big deal, but what if option B was better?? It wouldn't matter in situations where a do-over was possible, but most of the time our decisions are pretty much irreversible, aren't they? You can pick apple juice over orange juice, realise you don't like it, then go back and get orange juice instead. But you're not gonna get back the money you spent on that apple juice. And sometimes when you return, there's no more orange juice left.

At this point you're probably going to nag at me to get over myself and be thankful for freedom of choice since it's like human rights yadayada. True la, I know I shouldn't be complaining about having options when people elsewhere in the world are getting oppressed or simply lack any choice in their lives. But SOMETIMES, I feel like life would be easier if we all knew what to do next. Not necessarily better, but probably much less complicated.

I guess there's no way to actually avoid change and choice, since they'll find their way into your life somehow or another. But if anyone has any tips on dealing with them, I'm all ears. D:



Was rewatching HP & the order of the phoenix just now on a whim...and it made me realise just how much better the book series really is. -_-

The movie franchise isn't terrible. When I read the books, I would automatically picture the characters as the actors/actresses, like Daniel Radcliffe = Harry, Emma Watson = Hermione etc. Sometimes I even forget that JK Rowling wrote the books BEFORE they were cast-so kudos to the casting people. And I like the scenery shots too! (Hogwarts looks a bit like Disneyland but I guess that's just how most castles look like)

But, for this movie at least, I really, really hate how the filmmakers like to add lots of lines and scenes that tend to be redundant, cheesy, cringeworthy, or a combination of all three. E.g. when Dumbledore disappeared before the ministry could arrest him and make him "come quietly" to Azkaban:

*Cornelius Fudge arranges his face into a mix of bewilderment/anger/shock*
Kingsley Shacklebolt: You may not like him, minister, but you can't deny it-Dumbledore's got style.  
*Cue awkward moment where nobody laughs*

URGGHHHH. To me, Shacklebolt is a stable, solid, reliable dude. Not a joker who delivers punchlines to get a laugh out of the audience!! Randomly assigning lines doesn't do justice to the characters and context of each scene. I realise I might be overreacting, but it's just so strange. E.g. Harry's random pep talk during the scenes showing Dumbledore's Army practising in the Room of Requirement. ARGHHHH. Or Luna talking to Harry about how he is no threat to Voldemort if he's on his own and cut off from his friends. It just felt so contrived and corny. T.T

On the other hand, Umbridge was brilliant hahaha I hate her so much. Bitchy and detestable, as always. And Snape was as moody and greasy as I imagined him to be.

Okay that's all you may want to stop judging me now.

I ended work last week.

Yeah, after 5 1/2 months, I'M FINALLY FREE TO BECOME A GOOD-FOR-NOTHING COUCH POTATO *throws confetti and begins on customary longass reflection post*

In all seriousness, I didn't and still don't regret resigning. My family members kept trying to hint not-so-subtly that I should stay on throughout and earn more money, but I guess that actually solidified my resolve because I've always taken an unhealthy pleasure in doing the opposite of what they want me to do. (Though usually I wouldn't, because I'm conflict-adverse and care about their approval way too much fml)

But I digress.

I didn't think it would be quite so sentimental. At the office itself it was still alright, just like a pretty normal day. But it was only after I went home that it dawned on me just how much I'd miss my colleagues.When I say colleagues, I mainly refer to the few whom I've been spending my lunches with over the past few months. They were really what balanced out the negativity from unpleasant aspects of work and the idea of not being able to see them everyday anymore hit me hard. :'(

As for the others...honestly, I wasn't close to them. I know most of their faces would inevitably fade into the recesses of my mind, lingering at the edges of my memory until they blur or even disappear with time. I can deal with that. But strangely enough, the thought just makes me feel kind of sad. It's like our connections with most people in our lives are so fragile...they could be right in front of you all the time in one period of your life; you vaguely register their presence everyday; then after that a new chapter begins and they become insignificant once again. I guess people come and go all the time, but they leave behind lessons, feelings and experiences which remain far longer than their actual presence.

Looking back, I don't regret the past few months. It had its fair share of limitations and unpleasantness, but I think I have learnt quite alot from my experience and I wouldn't have it any other way. A senior colleague/trainer once mentioned how there are 3 'P's you should consider in every job: Pay, People, Passion, and the order of importance is up to every individual. Thinking from that angle, I realise I'd been pretty fortunate to have found this job (though admittedly it is difficult, almost impossible, to be passionate about customer service, since you're pretty much hearing bullshit from bullshit people everyday)

The weeks ahead are now back to being blank and idle. It's terrifying. But also liberating. And I'm looking forward to it!





Being socially awkward really, really sucks.

It’s one thing to get clammy palms before making a public presentation, or feel pangs of discomfort when you’re trying to make small talk with someone you barely know. It’s quite another issue to be constantly battling with inner anxiety everyday, almost all the time, with like 80% of the people you meet.

I’m not discounting the severity of any unpleasant social situations. Neither am I insinuating that only socially awkward people will feel socially awkward; most people will probably feel varying levels of discomfort on different occasions, depending on the circumstances, environment and people involved.

It’s just that sometimes it’s really difficult to explain to people that you can’t just get over social anxiety. It’s not something you can turn on and off like a tap. For example, if you need to make a speech or whatever, you might feel a temporary spike in anxiety. But after the speech is over, your pulse rate goes back to normal and slowly you forget about how scared you were before. Being socially awkward isn’t that temporal, though. It stays with you even as you grow older and try to force yourself to be a little less self-conscious, a little less reserved. It’s like a seed of self-doubt which germinates as you talk to someone and start wondering if she’s growing bored of your company, as you contemplate contributing to a group conversation but worry about meeting with a frosty reception, as you blurt out a careless remark without thinking and end up beating yourself up over it later on.

As a kid, I was always really shy with relatives. During family gatherings (usually on festive occasions), I’d be fidgeting and trying hard not to make eye contact with anyone unless necessary. When an aunt or uncle tried to make small talk or whatever, I’d just mumble incomprehensible and awkwardly-phrased replies that ended up killing off the conversation LOL. The poor relative would then have to make some excuse to bustle off and make conversation with another cousin hahaha.

So it’s not much of a surprise whenever relatives commented that I was very “quiet”. It wasn’t really that I wanted to be quiet, though…It’s just that carrying on a conversation with them was difficult because I couldn’t think of anything remotely interesting to say or ask.

This would usually be the part where I turn this story around and mention how I have since outgrown my childhood/adolescent troubles, emerging a more confident and outgoing social butterfly. *inject sentimental background music* Unfortunately, I’d have to disappoint you because that’s really not the case. Over the years, I not only grew into my introverted character, but also started perceiving it as a fatal flaw.

Seriously, who wouldn’t want to be bubbly and self-assured? In a society where being charismatic and prominent brings you useful connections and a wide network of acquaintances, being able to interact with others easily is always seen as a prized trait. It ensures that no matter where you go or what you do, you’d always have a lunch buddy or someone to sit around with without seeming like a loner.

Communication skills are so important because they affect so many aspects of our lives. For example, in university admission interviews, the assessors look at how you present yourself. For those held in group settings, they also assess how you get along with your groupmates. Nobody cares if you need time to “de-frost” and warm up to the topic, or require some individualized attention to feel like you can say something without being ignored or interrupted. They want to see you speak out and speak loud, like a vending machine where they can press “be enthusiastic and funny!” and see the product rolling out.

But people are not machines. You can force yourself to mask how you think or feel, but you can’t force yourself to be someone you’re not, can you? Should we even be forcing ourselves to behave in a way that is considered socially acceptable, even if while doing so, we feel like digging a hole and hiding inside forever?

There was this chapter I read in “Quiet” by Susan Cain that I thought was pretty interesting as it dealt with these questions quite directly. It mentioned how we have “core personal projects”-responsibilities or interests which we consider meaningful and are supported by others around us. According to the Free Trait Theory, we do things we normally wouldn’t do for the sake of these personal projects. In other words, we behave against character when we deem something (or someone) to be worth the effort.

Someone once told me that I could always act like a hermit and be damn antisocial if that’s what I’m comfortable with. But in the end, I might not feel as happy as I thought I would be, because I’d be alone without the company of the friends I’d missed out on. That struck me as kind of true, because some of the best memories I have would never have been possible without my interactions with other people. Without friends/companions, there’s a lot less laughter and plain old fun. There’d be nobody to confide in and rely on when you can’t be by yourself anymore.

I guess I’m feeling conflicted about this mainly because university is coming up pretty soon and that means a whole new season of integration. Everyone has been buzzing about the myriad of orientation camps to go to so you can widen your social circle and cushion your entry into a completely new and foreign environment…While I do want to attend these programs and meet new people, I’m also quite wary that my social cluelessness would prove to be an obstacle and deterrence. :(



Urghh I was just hit by a tidal wave of emotions about my parents.

I don't really mean it in a negative sense, but it wasn't exactly all warm and fuzzy either.

Parental love is just...mind-boggling. I mean, HOW DID MOTHER NATURE EVEN COME UP WITH THIS IDEA??? It's so twisted yet makes so much sense, it's just brilliant.

Focusing specifically on mankind and not birds or fishes or insects, you get 2 people who combine their body fluids to create a living being. (While the same principle applies to other organisms as well, I don't know much about their processes so let's not go there wtf.)

Then suddenly this living being will become the couple's life-changing responsibility. Even if they don't want to have anything to do with each other anymore after procreation, they will forever be linked by the kid.

Mother Nature practically sets up this entire system to ensure offspring will automatically be taken care of and protected once they enter this world. Sure, there are always exceptions, like how parents abandon their young (either intentionally or because they have no better choice) but technically everyone of us will be part of a little community i.e our family even without having to lift a finger.

I always complain about my parents because they can get damn annoying sometimes most of the time. They have beliefs that they try to inculcate in me, which I don't necessarily like, and they are super controlling and over-protective. But I have never doubted their care and concern for me, which is something so rare in this fickle world. It's so easy to take them for granted simply because you know you always try to push them away but in the end they will always remain within reach. In the end they will always be there for you, even without any moving birthday letters or emoji-ridden texts or outward promises of undying loyalty.

On this note, Mothers' Day is coming really soon...no matter how commercialised this occasion appears to be, it's one of those mainstream media deceptions that I'd gladly fall victim to. Getting an appropriate present is so freaking hard though!!! For the past few years, I was just relying on my parents' allowance so I could always get by with like a flower and handwritten card. But this year, I think there is this odd pressure to upgrade a bit sigh.

Giving presents make me feel happy, but I'm quite terrible at picking good gifts. Parents are the worst because they can technically afford what they want, it's just that they always can't bear to splurge on themselves. So naturally for such occasions, you start thinking about getting them something indulgent that they'd normally not buy. But based on past experience, they'd be extra picky about whether it's worth the money or not WTF.

#headache #whattodo #notgoingtogetanythingatthisrate #theend

I was thinking that people are like ants.

We scuttle and scurry everywhere like the next minute is going to be our last, but actually we are just covering very little ground. In the end, when we look at ourselves from afar, we are just a little corner of the universe, maybe a distant speck viewed from an alien's telescope. Many things feel massive to us and impact us so deeply but we are actually rather...dispensable?? Like, the human body is so fragile and weak. It can be destroyed within seconds; crushed in a horrific car crash or melted by flames or consumed by a hungry predator wtf.

Okay that was really morbid LOL I apologise.

 It feels like we are only indispensable to the people who love us unconditionally. Because others whom we share conditional relationships with will probably be able to find someone else who can fit their requirements and meet their needs. Yet if someone cares for you just for you, they will miss you not because of what you offered them but just because they miss having you around. I wonder if such relationships exist though...We are all so codependent on one another in one way or another.

I was also wondering if there is any thought inside my head which is completely, utterly mine. One that wasn't planted there by a media product or influenced by other people. The thing is, it's so easy to get swayed by someone else's opinions. You know how sometimes you hear a friend mentioning their POV and you start thinking, oh yeah good point? And then you begin to think along those lines and change your initial mindset. It's good to have an open mind I guess, but it also means you have a tendency to become flaky right? Then you won't really have a fixed set of beliefs you know for sure will hold true in your life no matter the circumstances. >(

Sometimes I'm not sure if what I feel is something I really think or something I want to think. It's like having to decide between the person you are and the person you want to be. Does it count as hypocrisy if you behave against instinct because you think you should, even if you don't exactly want to?

I don't think it does. But it sure feels like it.



There are so many horrible phrases in this world.

But I suppose if we had to make a list, "if only" and "what if" would probably rank right at the top. People regret things so much; maybe that's why books and movies on time travel hold such great appeal to many of us. Who wouldn't want the power to erase one's mistakes and start anew?

I don't know about you, but if such a possibility ever existed, I have a bad feeling that I'd end up spending my entire life trying to go backwards.

It would be like an addiction, I imagine, trying to craft every moment to perfection; even though it might not feel exactly like how you wanted it to be. In that sense, it would be all too easy to get stuck in time and never really be able to move on.

At the same time, people might start getting overly reckless. I mean, if you knew your actions would hold no permanent consequences, would there be any prerogative for you to carefully consider your actions and words? Why bother weighing the possibilities and opportunity costs of every decision, when you could plunge headfirst into doing whatever you liked while taking comfort in the fact that you could always turn back?

Choices would lose their importance, since no one would want to partake in planning or brainstorming. Moments we once held significant may no longer be as meaningful, simply because they can be reconstructed or relinquished so easily. People can stride into our lives with all the confidence in the world and then skip back out again in the same direction.

I feel like nothing would be solid. Nothing would be completely real, you know? What you believed to be true today could be erased tomorrow and you might not even know it. If someone else meddled with a memory which you were part of, you wouldn't even have a say in it unless you could forbid them to time travel or something. Everybody would just end up believing their own version of events (which would probably showcase the best sides of themselves haha)

So I don't know if time travelling is really better than regret? Not being able to do a U-turn feels terrible, depending on the severity of the situation. But without regret, we would never know what are the things we should not and cannot do. We would never engage our primal instinct to change and metamorphosize in order to propel ourselves forward. The feeling of "I should have..." leaves such a bitter aftertaste, but it ultimately serves to help us make better choices next time.

If only someone could come up with a way to get rid of the aching only remorse can bring? :(




Oh wow we're already a month and a half into 2014!

Sometimes when I'm alone on the bus or walking or whatever, a sudden thought would strike me and I'd hurry to write it down so I wouldn't forget. Unfortunately, it seems like many of these musings end up as sad abandoned notes on my phone :(

Whenever I try to write these days, the right words and phrases just seem so out of reach...that really, really scares me because writing has always been my preferred outlet for self-expression, as compared to talking. Like, writing things out makes them easier to comprehend, but now everything is just a jumbled mess in my brain and it's driving me crazy.

Still, work has been making me talk more than I ever have before, so I guess maybe the balance has just tilted a little.

Life so far has been very much work-oriented, which isn't exactly surprising for a 9-5 job I guess! The first month was pretty much just training, like being back in JC tutorials. To be honest, having to make new friends and go through all the social rituals wasn't what I expected and wanted initially-I had assumed that I would be the only young person in the office. But now, I'm just really glad that I was wrong. Most of my coworkers are all really funny and interesting, plus it's probably a good thing to get to know different people after being in IP for 6 years!

Speaking of which, work really opened my eyes to quite a few things...

1. My world is shamefully small.

Since Secondary One, my friends all come from similar backgrounds and I've only ever known a certain lifestyle, a certain way of life progression. It never really occurred to me how other people of different ages and backgrounds could have such vastly different perspectives and experiences from my own. Not everyone goes the usual track of sec sch-->JC/poly-->uni-->work, but many of them are still working hard in their own way to build the life that they want for themselves. I am beginning to better understand the reality that for many people, a shitty job is a means to an end, not an end in itself. Nobody in a shitty job actually wants to be in that shitty job forever...so judging people based on their career choices is just a really bad idea.

2. Unfortunately, people are judgmental by nature. 

I was caught off-guard by how prejudice is everywhere in society. Singaporeans are always complaining about elitism; well, I find that it works both ways. People judge you ever so quickly based on your academic background...you'd think that stereotyping would be less prevalent out of school, but I guess it's just commonplace wherever you go. The first few weeks of work really showed how important first impressions can be and how we tend to put people into little boxes of judgement, whether consciously or not :/

3. Making mistakes really sucks, but it also makes you want to do better next time.

Ever since training ended and official work begun, I've found myself floundering like a lost sheep. There are so many things I don't know and have to clarify that I feel like all those years of mugging were for naught. At this point, whenever I make mistakes, I'd end up inconveniencing my seniors who have to help me clear up the trouble because I'm a newbie. Mistakes can also mean more trouble for the customer I'm supposed to be helping instead...This feeling of dependency and helplessness is so frustrating, but it also makes me want to do a better job in future.

(Then again, I kind of have to do better because I'd probably get fired otherwise.)

4. On a brighter note, there are generally many nice people out there.

This is just a personal opinion that I have right now, not saying it won't change later on! It's just that I have received guidance from seniors who were under no obligation to help a struggling newbie, and such kindness sometimes came from people whom I least expected it from. My same-batch colleagues have also been very kind; for example, N voluntarily lent me her family's entire bag of BBQ tools even though we'd only known each other for a week wtf. I was secretly very moved but didn't quite know to thank her afterwards argh -_-

Maybe people are kind by nature; they enjoy being depended on, they like being helpful, and being appreciated for what they do is a cherry on top. Perhaps many of us are just very reserved and reluctant to take the initiative in fear of being rejected or embarrassed.

5. Policy-makers & administrators are impressive. 

How on earth do they come up with such complex rules, regulations and procedures?


The list really goes on, and there are other things I've been meaning to update, but I'll leave them for another day haha.

--Abrupt end--

Finally making the leap to Wordpress, just because.

See you!

2014 has finally drawn to a close and I feel like it deserves a proper send-off. But whenever I try to think about what has happened over the past 12 months, my mind always ends up digressing somewhere else hahaha. It's the same every year, actually...I guess I'm always afraid that if I honestly examine the entire year in detail, I would see that it was just another year wasted.


I used to dislike florals, lace, the colour pink, and most things remotely girly.
I used to think I would always be close to my primary school best friend, at least well into adulthood, but now I know virtually nothing about her life other than what is on her Facebook page. I used to think it would be nice to live overseas alone, but now I think I might be lonely. I used to prefer covered shoes but now I'm beginning to like sandals too.


I've never really perceived myself as someone who was especially competitive.

I mean, when it came to grades, my very first priority would be: "how did I do?" As long as I got an acceptable grade, it would be okay. I wasn't looking for the best score, just something that I could be relieved about.

That used to be the case, at least.

Nowadays, I find myself wanting more. It sounds as if my expectations or standards for myself have gone up, but maybe I'm just starting to acknowledge my inner competitiveness. In retrospect, there were times when I got really mad about losing at something and had to smother that frustration with distractions. I'd try to be rational and cool down because I wasn't proud of such a feeling...wouldn't it be better to be someone who was relatively chill about stuff like winning or losing? I remember how my friends would complain about classmates who got competitive about their grades and I'd be like, whatever, the only person you should be competing against is yourself, isn't it?

I really want to believe that, and most of the time, I still do. But why is it getting harder to stop comparing myself to others?

I don't want my own success to be defined by how other people have fared. I don't want my happiness to be reliant on someone else's disappointment. I don't want my accomplishments to be built upon their failures.

Yet this pretty much seems like what everything is about. Well, when I say everything, it's just mainly the bell curve and IHG. If you want to do well, someone else has to do worse. How can that not build, or reveal, a sense of competitiveness within you?

Lately it feels like I keep demanding more from myself, which is probably a good thing, but it also stresses me out because I'm too accustomed to taking a laidback attitude towards work and, well, life in general. There was even one period when my philosophy was to sit back, slack off and hope for the best HAHAHA. But now, I just feel so bad about myself whenever I laze around without doing anything productive. (Which, by the way, I'm really good at. Sometimes an entire day could fly past and I'd be like, whoa, I was just sitting around at home doing nothing.)

The irrational part of me wants to be lazy. I don't want to put in hard work, because I'm afraid of not getting anything in return. I'd rather not put in effort and then blame it on my lack of effort if I ended up failing. But the rational part of me keeps reminding me that such an attitude is never going to get me anywhere good...failing to try is a failure in itself, and it's not much better than giving your best and failing anyway.



I'd always thought of community service as something meaningful, something I could maybe turn into a permanent fixture in my life.

The idea of being able to "touch the lives of the less fortunate" was so very appealing. In JC, Interact Club sounded like the ideal CCA; you get to help others (and yeah, maybe feel good about yourself for it), meet presumably like-minded people, and at the end of the day get some CIP hours for your contributions. It was like hitting several birds with one stone, you know?

Except there were times when I would be teaching my tutee halfway and suddenly think to myself, "Am I really doing anything substantial? Would it even matter if I weren't here? Am I even needed?"

It was easier then to push those thoughts away, to convince myself that peer tutoring wasn't just about providing free tuition to help them improve academically, but also to be there for them as a friend and supportive figure. I guess it must sound naive and pretentious to you, but honestly that was what I wanted to do, even if my intentions didn't really translate well into action haha.

I guess I'm still attracted to the idea of doing good. Except my short experience so far with EVC has actually been highlighting those nagging little doubts. Like, how much can you actually give to your beneficiaries within 2 hours a week? Take the youths at Salvation Army for example. Their caregivers are the ones who spend time with them everyday, maybe even 24/7...those are the mentors whom they can rely on for consistent supervision, care and guidance. And honestly I don't even think I can teach my mentee well, or if she can even retain half of what I try to teach her. I don't want to waste her time on the pretext of being there to "help".

Call me cynical, but community service, or at least the ones I have/am engaged in, just doesn't feel so right anymore. What does it say about me as a person if I don't feel like visiting those intellectually disabled people at Minds anymore? I'd grown so accustomed to liking CIP that the thought of disliking it is just unsettling. Or maybe I don't dislike it completely, but just haven't found the right cause?

I guess part of the reason for my angst stems from how volunteering doesn't always reap tangible results. It's hard to measure your contribution in tangible terms and even harder to see the effects in the short-run. And sometimes maybe you end up being more of a hindrance instead...like how I always get in the way of the permanent staff at Minds hahaha. You just can't tell if it has been a "productive" session, because there are no grades, no rankings, no trophies to show at the end of the day.

The only thing I can takeaway from this whole rambling is that social work probably isn't my calling haha. Maybe it'd be easier to just carry on, stop thinking too much into it, and trust that I'd reach a conclusion one day.

It's nearly the end of September and we're now 2 days into recess week!

Honestly, I didn't realise how much I'd appreciate this little "break". We're supposed to be using this time to catch up with readings and all so it's technically not a leisurely holiday, but at this point I'd welcome any opportunity for rest.

I always thought uni life would be super chill and relaxed. But after half of Semester 1, I feel like everything is happening so rapidly. New information to internalise, new people to meet and interact with, new environment to adapt to, new lifestyle to lead...things happen so quickly and simultaneously that it's hard to process the present, let alone remember and reflect. This is probably exacerbated by my stay in hall, even though I'm not very active as compared to most other freshies! To borrow Shimeng's words of wisdom, it's like being "an introvert in an extrovert's world". Eusoff has given me alot to learn and get accustomed to...But that's a story for another day (and one you've probably heard quite enough about LOL).

"Rest" holds different meanings for different people. Or rather, it holds a variety of definitions for each person. Things like taking a nap, sleeping for 8 hours or just lepaking in front of the television are all ways through which we rest and recover from the hustle and bustle of everyday life. I know this might be an over-generalisation, but I think that this "down-time" is especially important for introverts. After a day outside being surrounded by people (even good friends whose company you appreciate & enjoy), there comes a point when you feel like you need to retreat into your own space. It doesn't always have to be extreme, like holing yourself up in your room and hibernating for a day, though that does sound pretty good to me haha. Rest could also mean sitting on a reasonably long bus ride with earphones on and feel-good music playing, where you can watch the world fly past through the window and pretend reality doesn't exist for awhile. Or spending an afternoon reading escapist fiction and imagining you were someone else, somewhere else.

To me, we run on our own "social batteries" with very different energy capacities. We run out of power and need to recharge at different timings; some of us can plug in and go in a flash, while others need a longer time to finish charging. That's why "rest" is important, because it is easy to feel burnt out if you exceed your limits by too much or too often.

As someone who has a very low battery life, I feel like the past 2 months have been pretty draining not only physicially, but also emotionally. It has been difficult trying to strike a balance between my own need for personal time/space and the desire/expectations from others to fulfill social responsibilities. I'm still struggling with prioritising and learning how to sift out what is truly important from all the other distractions. Honestly, I haven't always said the right things or behaved the right way, and I think I haven't been making very good choices lately (what's new LOL), but I know I'm trying and that should count for something right?

I guess my point is that I'm grateful for little breaks like recess week. Although there has been surprisingly little free time so far and plenty of work to be done, I'll take whatever I can get haha.





I recently realised just how uncomfortable I was with change.

It sounds stupid, doesn't it? Change is everywhere, all the time. There is change in the weather, in the food we eat, in the people we talk to. We face it throughout our lives, sometimes consciously and sometimes not. I feel like I should have become mostly accustomed to it by now, of things being in flux and never remaining the same.

Yet the thought of having to adjust and adapt just makes me twitchy. I guess it's not so much the arrival of new things which scares me, but rather the prospect of losing what is familiar and near. The thought of not being able to go back to my equilibrium-the place of safety I'd grown comfortable in-terrifies and excites me in equal measure, which is an odd sensation to bear. I guess there's a conflict because I told myself at the start that I wanted to get out of my comfort zone this year and make full use of opportunities thrown my way, but now I think that's easier said than done. -_- I do want to venture into foreign places and situations and conversations and learn more about what is around me. That hasn't changed; I want to be open to new possibilities. But it's hard trying to figure out just how big a step I'm willing to take and whether it's a step in the right direction or not.

While we're here, I should also mention how choices scare me too. I do remember writing about it before lol that goes to show how little I have changed.

It's just that I hate the feeling of making decisions, because of opportunity cost. (Hah! Econs) If I take option A, that would mean option B is closed off. No big deal, but what if option B was better?? It wouldn't matter in situations where a do-over was possible, but most of the time our decisions are pretty much irreversible, aren't they? You can pick apple juice over orange juice, realise you don't like it, then go back and get orange juice instead. But you're not gonna get back the money you spent on that apple juice. And sometimes when you return, there's no more orange juice left.

At this point you're probably going to nag at me to get over myself and be thankful for freedom of choice since it's like human rights yadayada. True la, I know I shouldn't be complaining about having options when people elsewhere in the world are getting oppressed or simply lack any choice in their lives. But SOMETIMES, I feel like life would be easier if we all knew what to do next. Not necessarily better, but probably much less complicated.

I guess there's no way to actually avoid change and choice, since they'll find their way into your life somehow or another. But if anyone has any tips on dealing with them, I'm all ears. D:



Was rewatching HP & the order of the phoenix just now on a whim...and it made me realise just how much better the book series really is. -_-

The movie franchise isn't terrible. When I read the books, I would automatically picture the characters as the actors/actresses, like Daniel Radcliffe = Harry, Emma Watson = Hermione etc. Sometimes I even forget that JK Rowling wrote the books BEFORE they were cast-so kudos to the casting people. And I like the scenery shots too! (Hogwarts looks a bit like Disneyland but I guess that's just how most castles look like)

But, for this movie at least, I really, really hate how the filmmakers like to add lots of lines and scenes that tend to be redundant, cheesy, cringeworthy, or a combination of all three. E.g. when Dumbledore disappeared before the ministry could arrest him and make him "come quietly" to Azkaban:

*Cornelius Fudge arranges his face into a mix of bewilderment/anger/shock*
Kingsley Shacklebolt: You may not like him, minister, but you can't deny it-Dumbledore's got style.  
*Cue awkward moment where nobody laughs*

URGGHHHH. To me, Shacklebolt is a stable, solid, reliable dude. Not a joker who delivers punchlines to get a laugh out of the audience!! Randomly assigning lines doesn't do justice to the characters and context of each scene. I realise I might be overreacting, but it's just so strange. E.g. Harry's random pep talk during the scenes showing Dumbledore's Army practising in the Room of Requirement. ARGHHHH. Or Luna talking to Harry about how he is no threat to Voldemort if he's on his own and cut off from his friends. It just felt so contrived and corny. T.T

On the other hand, Umbridge was brilliant hahaha I hate her so much. Bitchy and detestable, as always. And Snape was as moody and greasy as I imagined him to be.

Okay that's all you may want to stop judging me now.

I ended work last week.

Yeah, after 5 1/2 months, I'M FINALLY FREE TO BECOME A GOOD-FOR-NOTHING COUCH POTATO *throws confetti and begins on customary longass reflection post*

In all seriousness, I didn't and still don't regret resigning. My family members kept trying to hint not-so-subtly that I should stay on throughout and earn more money, but I guess that actually solidified my resolve because I've always taken an unhealthy pleasure in doing the opposite of what they want me to do. (Though usually I wouldn't, because I'm conflict-adverse and care about their approval way too much fml)

But I digress.

I didn't think it would be quite so sentimental. At the office itself it was still alright, just like a pretty normal day. But it was only after I went home that it dawned on me just how much I'd miss my colleagues.When I say colleagues, I mainly refer to the few whom I've been spending my lunches with over the past few months. They were really what balanced out the negativity from unpleasant aspects of work and the idea of not being able to see them everyday anymore hit me hard. :'(

As for the others...honestly, I wasn't close to them. I know most of their faces would inevitably fade into the recesses of my mind, lingering at the edges of my memory until they blur or even disappear with time. I can deal with that. But strangely enough, the thought just makes me feel kind of sad. It's like our connections with most people in our lives are so fragile...they could be right in front of you all the time in one period of your life; you vaguely register their presence everyday; then after that a new chapter begins and they become insignificant once again. I guess people come and go all the time, but they leave behind lessons, feelings and experiences which remain far longer than their actual presence.

Looking back, I don't regret the past few months. It had its fair share of limitations and unpleasantness, but I think I have learnt quite alot from my experience and I wouldn't have it any other way. A senior colleague/trainer once mentioned how there are 3 'P's you should consider in every job: Pay, People, Passion, and the order of importance is up to every individual. Thinking from that angle, I realise I'd been pretty fortunate to have found this job (though admittedly it is difficult, almost impossible, to be passionate about customer service, since you're pretty much hearing bullshit from bullshit people everyday)

The weeks ahead are now back to being blank and idle. It's terrifying. But also liberating. And I'm looking forward to it!





Being socially awkward really, really sucks.

It’s one thing to get clammy palms before making a public presentation, or feel pangs of discomfort when you’re trying to make small talk with someone you barely know. It’s quite another issue to be constantly battling with inner anxiety everyday, almost all the time, with like 80% of the people you meet.

I’m not discounting the severity of any unpleasant social situations. Neither am I insinuating that only socially awkward people will feel socially awkward; most people will probably feel varying levels of discomfort on different occasions, depending on the circumstances, environment and people involved.

It’s just that sometimes it’s really difficult to explain to people that you can’t just get over social anxiety. It’s not something you can turn on and off like a tap. For example, if you need to make a speech or whatever, you might feel a temporary spike in anxiety. But after the speech is over, your pulse rate goes back to normal and slowly you forget about how scared you were before. Being socially awkward isn’t that temporal, though. It stays with you even as you grow older and try to force yourself to be a little less self-conscious, a little less reserved. It’s like a seed of self-doubt which germinates as you talk to someone and start wondering if she’s growing bored of your company, as you contemplate contributing to a group conversation but worry about meeting with a frosty reception, as you blurt out a careless remark without thinking and end up beating yourself up over it later on.

As a kid, I was always really shy with relatives. During family gatherings (usually on festive occasions), I’d be fidgeting and trying hard not to make eye contact with anyone unless necessary. When an aunt or uncle tried to make small talk or whatever, I’d just mumble incomprehensible and awkwardly-phrased replies that ended up killing off the conversation LOL. The poor relative would then have to make some excuse to bustle off and make conversation with another cousin hahaha.

So it’s not much of a surprise whenever relatives commented that I was very “quiet”. It wasn’t really that I wanted to be quiet, though…It’s just that carrying on a conversation with them was difficult because I couldn’t think of anything remotely interesting to say or ask.

This would usually be the part where I turn this story around and mention how I have since outgrown my childhood/adolescent troubles, emerging a more confident and outgoing social butterfly. *inject sentimental background music* Unfortunately, I’d have to disappoint you because that’s really not the case. Over the years, I not only grew into my introverted character, but also started perceiving it as a fatal flaw.

Seriously, who wouldn’t want to be bubbly and self-assured? In a society where being charismatic and prominent brings you useful connections and a wide network of acquaintances, being able to interact with others easily is always seen as a prized trait. It ensures that no matter where you go or what you do, you’d always have a lunch buddy or someone to sit around with without seeming like a loner.

Communication skills are so important because they affect so many aspects of our lives. For example, in university admission interviews, the assessors look at how you present yourself. For those held in group settings, they also assess how you get along with your groupmates. Nobody cares if you need time to “de-frost” and warm up to the topic, or require some individualized attention to feel like you can say something without being ignored or interrupted. They want to see you speak out and speak loud, like a vending machine where they can press “be enthusiastic and funny!” and see the product rolling out.

But people are not machines. You can force yourself to mask how you think or feel, but you can’t force yourself to be someone you’re not, can you? Should we even be forcing ourselves to behave in a way that is considered socially acceptable, even if while doing so, we feel like digging a hole and hiding inside forever?

There was this chapter I read in “Quiet” by Susan Cain that I thought was pretty interesting as it dealt with these questions quite directly. It mentioned how we have “core personal projects”-responsibilities or interests which we consider meaningful and are supported by others around us. According to the Free Trait Theory, we do things we normally wouldn’t do for the sake of these personal projects. In other words, we behave against character when we deem something (or someone) to be worth the effort.

Someone once told me that I could always act like a hermit and be damn antisocial if that’s what I’m comfortable with. But in the end, I might not feel as happy as I thought I would be, because I’d be alone without the company of the friends I’d missed out on. That struck me as kind of true, because some of the best memories I have would never have been possible without my interactions with other people. Without friends/companions, there’s a lot less laughter and plain old fun. There’d be nobody to confide in and rely on when you can’t be by yourself anymore.

I guess I’m feeling conflicted about this mainly because university is coming up pretty soon and that means a whole new season of integration. Everyone has been buzzing about the myriad of orientation camps to go to so you can widen your social circle and cushion your entry into a completely new and foreign environment…While I do want to attend these programs and meet new people, I’m also quite wary that my social cluelessness would prove to be an obstacle and deterrence. :(



Urghh I was just hit by a tidal wave of emotions about my parents.

I don't really mean it in a negative sense, but it wasn't exactly all warm and fuzzy either.

Parental love is just...mind-boggling. I mean, HOW DID MOTHER NATURE EVEN COME UP WITH THIS IDEA??? It's so twisted yet makes so much sense, it's just brilliant.

Focusing specifically on mankind and not birds or fishes or insects, you get 2 people who combine their body fluids to create a living being. (While the same principle applies to other organisms as well, I don't know much about their processes so let's not go there wtf.)

Then suddenly this living being will become the couple's life-changing responsibility. Even if they don't want to have anything to do with each other anymore after procreation, they will forever be linked by the kid.

Mother Nature practically sets up this entire system to ensure offspring will automatically be taken care of and protected once they enter this world. Sure, there are always exceptions, like how parents abandon their young (either intentionally or because they have no better choice) but technically everyone of us will be part of a little community i.e our family even without having to lift a finger.

I always complain about my parents because they can get damn annoying sometimes most of the time. They have beliefs that they try to inculcate in me, which I don't necessarily like, and they are super controlling and over-protective. But I have never doubted their care and concern for me, which is something so rare in this fickle world. It's so easy to take them for granted simply because you know you always try to push them away but in the end they will always remain within reach. In the end they will always be there for you, even without any moving birthday letters or emoji-ridden texts or outward promises of undying loyalty.

On this note, Mothers' Day is coming really soon...no matter how commercialised this occasion appears to be, it's one of those mainstream media deceptions that I'd gladly fall victim to. Getting an appropriate present is so freaking hard though!!! For the past few years, I was just relying on my parents' allowance so I could always get by with like a flower and handwritten card. But this year, I think there is this odd pressure to upgrade a bit sigh.

Giving presents make me feel happy, but I'm quite terrible at picking good gifts. Parents are the worst because they can technically afford what they want, it's just that they always can't bear to splurge on themselves. So naturally for such occasions, you start thinking about getting them something indulgent that they'd normally not buy. But based on past experience, they'd be extra picky about whether it's worth the money or not WTF.

#headache #whattodo #notgoingtogetanythingatthisrate #theend

I was thinking that people are like ants.

We scuttle and scurry everywhere like the next minute is going to be our last, but actually we are just covering very little ground. In the end, when we look at ourselves from afar, we are just a little corner of the universe, maybe a distant speck viewed from an alien's telescope. Many things feel massive to us and impact us so deeply but we are actually rather...dispensable?? Like, the human body is so fragile and weak. It can be destroyed within seconds; crushed in a horrific car crash or melted by flames or consumed by a hungry predator wtf.

Okay that was really morbid LOL I apologise.

 It feels like we are only indispensable to the people who love us unconditionally. Because others whom we share conditional relationships with will probably be able to find someone else who can fit their requirements and meet their needs. Yet if someone cares for you just for you, they will miss you not because of what you offered them but just because they miss having you around. I wonder if such relationships exist though...We are all so codependent on one another in one way or another.

I was also wondering if there is any thought inside my head which is completely, utterly mine. One that wasn't planted there by a media product or influenced by other people. The thing is, it's so easy to get swayed by someone else's opinions. You know how sometimes you hear a friend mentioning their POV and you start thinking, oh yeah good point? And then you begin to think along those lines and change your initial mindset. It's good to have an open mind I guess, but it also means you have a tendency to become flaky right? Then you won't really have a fixed set of beliefs you know for sure will hold true in your life no matter the circumstances. >(

Sometimes I'm not sure if what I feel is something I really think or something I want to think. It's like having to decide between the person you are and the person you want to be. Does it count as hypocrisy if you behave against instinct because you think you should, even if you don't exactly want to?

I don't think it does. But it sure feels like it.



There are so many horrible phrases in this world.

But I suppose if we had to make a list, "if only" and "what if" would probably rank right at the top. People regret things so much; maybe that's why books and movies on time travel hold such great appeal to many of us. Who wouldn't want the power to erase one's mistakes and start anew?

I don't know about you, but if such a possibility ever existed, I have a bad feeling that I'd end up spending my entire life trying to go backwards.

It would be like an addiction, I imagine, trying to craft every moment to perfection; even though it might not feel exactly like how you wanted it to be. In that sense, it would be all too easy to get stuck in time and never really be able to move on.

At the same time, people might start getting overly reckless. I mean, if you knew your actions would hold no permanent consequences, would there be any prerogative for you to carefully consider your actions and words? Why bother weighing the possibilities and opportunity costs of every decision, when you could plunge headfirst into doing whatever you liked while taking comfort in the fact that you could always turn back?

Choices would lose their importance, since no one would want to partake in planning or brainstorming. Moments we once held significant may no longer be as meaningful, simply because they can be reconstructed or relinquished so easily. People can stride into our lives with all the confidence in the world and then skip back out again in the same direction.

I feel like nothing would be solid. Nothing would be completely real, you know? What you believed to be true today could be erased tomorrow and you might not even know it. If someone else meddled with a memory which you were part of, you wouldn't even have a say in it unless you could forbid them to time travel or something. Everybody would just end up believing their own version of events (which would probably showcase the best sides of themselves haha)

So I don't know if time travelling is really better than regret? Not being able to do a U-turn feels terrible, depending on the severity of the situation. But without regret, we would never know what are the things we should not and cannot do. We would never engage our primal instinct to change and metamorphosize in order to propel ourselves forward. The feeling of "I should have..." leaves such a bitter aftertaste, but it ultimately serves to help us make better choices next time.

If only someone could come up with a way to get rid of the aching only remorse can bring? :(




Oh wow we're already a month and a half into 2014!

Sometimes when I'm alone on the bus or walking or whatever, a sudden thought would strike me and I'd hurry to write it down so I wouldn't forget. Unfortunately, it seems like many of these musings end up as sad abandoned notes on my phone :(

Whenever I try to write these days, the right words and phrases just seem so out of reach...that really, really scares me because writing has always been my preferred outlet for self-expression, as compared to talking. Like, writing things out makes them easier to comprehend, but now everything is just a jumbled mess in my brain and it's driving me crazy.

Still, work has been making me talk more than I ever have before, so I guess maybe the balance has just tilted a little.

Life so far has been very much work-oriented, which isn't exactly surprising for a 9-5 job I guess! The first month was pretty much just training, like being back in JC tutorials. To be honest, having to make new friends and go through all the social rituals wasn't what I expected and wanted initially-I had assumed that I would be the only young person in the office. But now, I'm just really glad that I was wrong. Most of my coworkers are all really funny and interesting, plus it's probably a good thing to get to know different people after being in IP for 6 years!

Speaking of which, work really opened my eyes to quite a few things...

1. My world is shamefully small.

Since Secondary One, my friends all come from similar backgrounds and I've only ever known a certain lifestyle, a certain way of life progression. It never really occurred to me how other people of different ages and backgrounds could have such vastly different perspectives and experiences from my own. Not everyone goes the usual track of sec sch-->JC/poly-->uni-->work, but many of them are still working hard in their own way to build the life that they want for themselves. I am beginning to better understand the reality that for many people, a shitty job is a means to an end, not an end in itself. Nobody in a shitty job actually wants to be in that shitty job forever...so judging people based on their career choices is just a really bad idea.

2. Unfortunately, people are judgmental by nature. 

I was caught off-guard by how prejudice is everywhere in society. Singaporeans are always complaining about elitism; well, I find that it works both ways. People judge you ever so quickly based on your academic background...you'd think that stereotyping would be less prevalent out of school, but I guess it's just commonplace wherever you go. The first few weeks of work really showed how important first impressions can be and how we tend to put people into little boxes of judgement, whether consciously or not :/

3. Making mistakes really sucks, but it also makes you want to do better next time.

Ever since training ended and official work begun, I've found myself floundering like a lost sheep. There are so many things I don't know and have to clarify that I feel like all those years of mugging were for naught. At this point, whenever I make mistakes, I'd end up inconveniencing my seniors who have to help me clear up the trouble because I'm a newbie. Mistakes can also mean more trouble for the customer I'm supposed to be helping instead...This feeling of dependency and helplessness is so frustrating, but it also makes me want to do a better job in future.

(Then again, I kind of have to do better because I'd probably get fired otherwise.)

4. On a brighter note, there are generally many nice people out there.

This is just a personal opinion that I have right now, not saying it won't change later on! It's just that I have received guidance from seniors who were under no obligation to help a struggling newbie, and such kindness sometimes came from people whom I least expected it from. My same-batch colleagues have also been very kind; for example, N voluntarily lent me her family's entire bag of BBQ tools even though we'd only known each other for a week wtf. I was secretly very moved but didn't quite know to thank her afterwards argh -_-

Maybe people are kind by nature; they enjoy being depended on, they like being helpful, and being appreciated for what they do is a cherry on top. Perhaps many of us are just very reserved and reluctant to take the initiative in fear of being rejected or embarrassed.

5. Policy-makers & administrators are impressive. 

How on earth do they come up with such complex rules, regulations and procedures?


The list really goes on, and there are other things I've been meaning to update, but I'll leave them for another day haha.

--Abrupt end--

My name is Felicia and my dearest ambition is to bounce on clouds while eating Twix.

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